god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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