LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
