Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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