dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
