so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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