We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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