You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
