I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
