the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
