For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
