You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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