I wish I could teleport
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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