Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
