i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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