I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
