on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
