Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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