i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
