Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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