I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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