I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My ass is underappreciated
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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