you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
