How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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