Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
