I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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