So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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