Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
