my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
