this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
