I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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