Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Who died my cat blue again?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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