ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
