I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
