Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
