Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
