Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
