I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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