Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
