I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
