What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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