I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
