Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
