Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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