I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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