the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
