We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
