I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
