I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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