dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
