If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i out mim tonsoeep
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