Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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