a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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