take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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