We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
